[announcer] This is CNNN.
Breaking News Now. N.
Hello, I'm Sabine Dortmunder, and I'm outside.
And it's the trial of YouTube stoners Dank and Dabby.
Earlier this morning, the defendants and their attorney, Ruth Whitewater Feinstein,
arrived at court.
We believe our case is so strong that my clients will be cleared,
not only of this charge, but all future charges.
It's 8:30 in the morning. I haven't been up this early since Space Camp.
We wanna let all our fans know that Ruth made us dress like this.
And because Dabby had to tie my tie this morning,
we didn't have a chance to get it in.
We were gonna be joined by our legal analyst, Kenny,
but he's being a bitch about what happened at Burning Man.
Kenny, that guy was just painting a butterfly on my nipple
and, like, you don't fucking own me.
And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
[theme music playing]
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm the big boss man ♪
♪ With a ring of keys ♪
♪ Ready to face today's challenges Big boss man ♪
♪ What the--? What the hell is going on back there? ♪
♪ Gonna check it out now ♪
Hey, Pete. It looks like you're weaving hemp from an old-timey loom.
[chuckles]
Boy, you don't miss anything.
You wanna tell me why?
Oh.
At the compound, Elder Larry always said, "A man needs to have two skills."
So, I know how to grow marijuana and weave hemp.
Larry knows how to siphon gas at truck stops
and talk runaway girls into giving compound life a try.
So, you're not gonna grow marijuana anymore?
I can't. I'm cursed.
You're not. The plants died because of a fungus.
-A fungus I got from my ex-girlfriend. -How do you know you got it from her?
Because it hurts to pee!
So, what, now you're just gonna weave doormats?
[chuckles] Doormats. This is clothing. It's hemp wear.
Look, I made a shirt for Carter.
There's some shorts for Jenny. And this is Olivia's bra.
Yeah. And this...
is for you.
Sassy meets classy in this stylish poncho that'll turn heads
whether you're rocking out at Coachella or just strolling the streets of Paris.
[laughing]
-Try it on. Try it on. -Okay, yeah. Sure.
Oh, this is-- Um...
Oh-- Oh, wow.
Wow, this is--
-Thank you. -[laughing]
You're welcome.
Just don't get it wet or the hemp weevils will lay eggs under your skin.
Ranger Titus, do you see the two people you apprehended in this courtroom?
Yes, I do.
And can you point to us, please?
Will you shut up?!
No, it's cool, Ruth. 'Cause when he points, we're gonna duck.
They'll have to convict the two assholes behind us. [laughing]
-They're right there. -Damn, he's fast.
-Oh, man. -Your witness.
Guys, Mommy's gotta go to work. Heads down.
Ranger Tight-ass.
Titus.
-Tight-ass. -Titus.
Sorry, I'm saying tight-ass. What am I missing?
Your Honor.
The court recognizes it's a funny name, move it along.
Ranger, when you came upon my clients in the woods, what did you see?
I saw them attempting to lick dew off the grass.
Then they spoke to me rudely
and the female dropped her pants, exposing her posterior
in an aggressive fashion.
But at no point did you actually witness them consuming marijuana.
I did not.
[both] Gasp!
Eh.
Your Honor,
it seems the government is desperate to persecute my clients for smoking pot,
but there's no evidence my clients were smoking anything.
Well, just the YouTube video.
I'm sorry, what?
Your Honor, we'd like to introduce the government's Exhibit A,
a YouTube video cryptically entitled
"Dank and Dabby Smoke Shit-tons of Weed in a National Forest."
[coughing]
I'm so excited to be smoking in this national forest.
-Whoo! -I can barely believe it's me. [laughs]
But if you need proof, here's my ID.
You know, our friend Carter, he was in the Army,
and he died for our right to smoke marijuana in this national forest.
Support the troops, bitch.
-[laughing] -[yells]
Jesus, that's incriminating. [chuckles]
Your Honor, we're gonna need, like, pfft, I don't know, half an hour.
Take the rest of the day. Court's in recess.
-Recess. -Oh, shit.
-Let's go fuck on the see-saw. -Yeah.
I spent six years wearing full body armor in 100-degree heat
and this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been.
This hat feels like there are tiny bugs boring their way under my skin.
They're called hemp weevils.
Oh, fuck, no.
Travis, how do we get Pete over this curse?
Well, we know the curse is bullshit. Maybe to free him,
we have to come up with some equally bullshit ritual.
Olivia, say, "Ahoy," to your new boat neck tee.
-[Pete chuckles] -Oh, my God.
You'll set sail for style on the H.M.S. Snazzy. [chuckles]
Jenny, be right back with your Capri pants.
No man should talk like that.
Hello, everybody. Why do I look so miserable? I'm glad you asked.
I've spent months planning Connor's 6th birthday party
and now the little fucker has the shits.
I'm stuck with 1500 dollars' worth of party rentals
and a sick kid who poor Rosita has to take care of.
You know...
Pete grew up on that compound. He has no idea what a birthday party is.
Could be the bullshit we're looking for.
Why is that hat moving?
-No. -Oh, my God.
♪ 'Cause I know I'm the big boss man Got a big-ass mug ♪
-Mom? -Dabby, get your hand out of his pants.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
[sighs] Oh, fuck, I drooled all over my notes.
-Pulled an all-nighter? -I did.
Until I fell asleep after dinner.
[Ruth sighs]
Well, I saw some of the trial coverage on CNNN.
You looked so nice.
I got no chance to win.
I just wanted to make a point about the stupidity of the system,
but I overlooked the stupidity of my clients.
You know, I caught them having sex in my car.
What am I gonna do?
I would sell it.
I mean about Dank and Dabby.
Don't make it about them. Make it about the government.
Who knows better than us how much the feds are out to get pot smokers?
You remember our DEA pals.
They don't fight fair, and why should you?
Thank you, Travis.
You always know how to make me angry.
This time you did it on purpose.
Welcome to "Strain O' The Day."
It is my privilege to introduce
the Weed of Fortune.
I'm so pissed at you.
-Why? -Up until five minutes ago,
this was gonna be Erin Go Bud, an Irish strain,
and I had a whole thing prepared.
[in Irish accent] I've been working on me Irish accent all week,
[in Cockney accent] I have, governor.
We'll do that one next week.
From now on, every time you spend more than 20 bucks here at Ruth's,
you'll get to spin the wheel for a chance at unbelievable prizes. Such as--
This isn't even a strain.
Because it's better!
You could win a free joint.
Or 10 percent off any glassware. Or a date with me, Travis.
Give it a spin.
Apparently this is gonna take a while. Since we have some time to kill...
Play me music.
[Irish jig music playing]
-Holy shit. -I told you I worked on this.
And now, for the big finish.
[hissing and rattling]
Things are really heating up here on day two at the courthouse,
where there's a guy who sells hot dogs wrapped in bacon.
Good job, guy.
Ranger Titus, are you familiar with the Twitter account Walker Titus Ranger?
Yes, that's my name. Walker Titus.
Though it's also a play on Walker, Texas Ranger. [chuckles]
Let the record reflect that the witness finds that clever.
And did you send the following tweet from that account?
"Meteor shower tonight in Angeles National Forest.
Gonna bust a lot of stoners.
Hashtag 'love my job.' Hashtag 'blessed.'"
[people murmuring]
[both] Murmur, murmur, murmur.
-Where is this going? -Your Honor, it is our contention
that the federal government is using this national forest,
with its natural splendor and beautiful views,
to lure cannabis users and then arrest them.
-It's a clear case of entrapment. -Are you serious?
Damn right I am, and there's a precedent.
In 1994, a state appeals court found that a Pink Floyd laser show
constituted a de facto sting operation targeting pot smokers.
I remember that case. Griffith Park Planetarium v. Freaky Lou.
I fail to see the relevance to this case.
[mockingly] Well, you're about to, Carol.
Because this case is no longer about these two doe-eyed youngsters.
It is about the system.
I'm putting the entire National Park Service on trial.
-Hell, yeah. -Oh, hashtag "Suck my dick, Titus."
Why is hashtag "Suck my dick, Titus" trending?
So, everyone's hemp clothing got stolen on the same night?
Yeah.
[clears throat] But the good news is, we did some research,
we found an ancient ceremony that can lift a curse.
I know, the Goat Blood Ceremony. I smeared it all over, it doesn't work.
This one's different.
Um, if you go through it, you'll be reborn without the curse.
Yeah. It's called a re-birthday.
I went to my friend's sweet 16 re-birthday
and the curse of my virginity was totally lifted.
-That does sound powerful. -Oh, it was.
Twice.
Liberation awaits you in the parking lot.
[inaudible dialogue]
-[Maria] Ta-da! -Oh, God!
Happy re-birthday, Pete!
[groaning] Who's that pink being?
Uh, that is a powerful ranger
to defend you from future curses.
Right?
[Pete] Oh.
Thank you.
Welcome to Del Taco. Can I take your order?
I'll take a Whopper with cheese.
Personal pan pizza.
Bucket of extra crispy.
Is the McRib back?
Footlong meatball, wheat.
Venti Iced Frappuccino.
Ten dollars on pump number five.
Six lottery tickets, a Slim Jim and a lighter.
[announcer] Del Taco.
We're Del Taco.
Your Honor, in order to prove that my clients were entrapped,
I must call to the witness stand, Steve Dankerson and Dabby Shapiro.
-Yeah! -Yes! Yes!
Ooh! But you're supposed to say, "Come on down!"
Objection. Two witnesses cannot testify at the same time.
Carol, are you seriously saying you don't wanna see this? [laughing]
Withdrawn.
You're doing an excellent job, ma'am.
There is nothing sexier than a woman who's good at her work.
Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
[in unison] Fuck, yeah.
-Come on, guys. -The cop told us to swear.
♪ Happy re-birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy re-birthday, dear Pete ♪
♪ Happy re-birthday to you ♪
♪ And many more ♪
Oh. This is a lot scarier than the goat blood.
Okay, Pete, now, close your eyes and with the power of a single breath,
extinguish the flames of your torment.
Come on, Pete, move it along. I still got a piñata, a clown
-and a magician. -A magician?
Jackie Jesus Christ Chan. What's going on out here? Hey!
Hey, Douglas.
Whoa, whoa. Hey. No, no, no. This can't be Pete's birthday.
It's not for another seven weeks.
His star-naming certificate's still at the framer's. Aw!
Well, yeah, I just spoiled that one.
[sighs]
We're trying to help Pete.
He thinks his ex-girlfriend cursed him.
Oh, yeah, I know that drill.
My ex-wife cursed me with alimony and 45 more payments on a waterbed
that I guess didn't save our marriage after all. [chuckles]
[grunting]
[scoffs] That's not a real move.
Dank, Dabby.
Can you tell the court why you decided to visit the Angeles National Forest
on this particular day?
No.
[Dabby chuckles]
I'll field this one, lover.
So, we'd heard from friends that the stars are awesome from the woods.
So, then you were lured by the stars?
Yeah, 'cause stars are just like us.
Yes. Like, did you know Jared Leto buys his own groceries?
-So-- -We thought we'd go to the woods,
-smoke pot and see Jared Leto. -Oh!
And maybe a cartoon bear.
Oh, yeah, either Yogi or Baloo.
-Okay. So, let's-- -Or that one with the fucked-up hat
that tells you to light forest fires.
Pharrell wears the same hat as that asshole forest bear.
-You know who I like? -Who?
-Fozzie. -Oh, from Happy Days.
Okay, all right. But why don't we just talk about--
I can't stand those Berenstain Bears. Those preachy motherfuckers.
Your Honor, I object.
-You're objecting to your own witnesses? -Strenuously.
Overruled. I love these guys.
-Yeah! -Yeah!
[Dank] Fuck those bears!
[Carl Orff's "O Fortuna" playing]
[inaudible dialogue]
Pete, this is your final test.
To lift the curse, you must destroy this effigy of Mary Jane.
I'm not sure I can do it. It looks just like her.
Uh, there's candy inside.
Okay, I'll try.
I'll hold it.
Okay, Pete. You got this.
As sure as I'm from La Cañada, you will vanquish this piñata.
Here you go, sweetie.
Heads up, with my kids, this shit takes an hour.
[chanting] Break the curse!
Break the curse!
Mother, jugs and speed!
-Sorry, Douglas. Sorry. -Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Yeah! Ah. I'm fine.
Pain is just pleasure hurting a lot.
Ah, no!
You don't need that stick.
Use the stick inside of you.
Whoo! Yeah! That's my boy!
Yeah!
-[Carter] Yes! -[Jenny] All right!
[Mary Jane] Fuck you, Pete!
Your friends are dicks!
Baba Booey!
I'm free.
-Yeah! -Oh, my God!
Yeah! [laughing]
The curse is broken.
Good. So is my wrist.
Can someone drive me to the ER?
Your Honor, in summation,
cannabis is legal for adult use in this state,
but illegal in the country to which this state belongs.
And that's inherently contradictory.
It's a legal paradox.
And when you apply laws that confusing to people this easily confused...
that's entrapment.
And decent, law-abiding citizens are caught in that trap every day.
I would simply ask the court to be reasonable,
because, at the end of the day, it's just pot.
Thank you.
Ms. Feldman, you make a compelling argument.
I myself find these laws confusing and I went to Wesleyan.
I'd be much more inclined to acquit your clients
if they weren't under the defense table smoking marijuana.
Fuck a duck!
[sighs]
All right. How about a 500-dollar fine and 30 days of house arrest?
Sounds good. Carol?
You're sentencing stoners to a month on the couch?
Are you shitting me?!
It's okay to curse now, right?
Fuck, yeah. Court's adjourned.
Partial victory is mine.
There you have it.
After two long days and one amazing hot dog,
the trial of the century is finally over.
Join me tomorrow at noon, here time,
for Wake and Bake with Sabine Dortmunder
when my guests will be my cool neighbor Marty
and former Vice President Al Jore.
[circus music playing]
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm way up in the sky ♪
♪ The world seems light And I'm so right ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine ♪
♪ And play my solid sender ♪
♪ I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on bender ♪
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm sailin' in the sky ♪
♪ I got my roach around I can't come down ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪