[man 1] Uh, please welcome to the Laugh Warehouse stage
for the very first time, uh, Carter.
-[light applause] -[man 2] Whoo.
How's everybody doing tonight? Good.
[feedback screeching]
[feedback stops]
Hey, hey. Hey. There we go.
Uh, well, my name is Car-- I'm Carter. You just heard it.
And, uh, I'm an Army veteran.
Thank you. And, uh... And, uh... [chuckles]
I, uh...
In my work the other day, this lady came in
and, phew, she was-- She was pregnant.
She was, like, real...
Real pregnant. Like, you know...
Um, I work at a marijuana dispensary.
You should probably know that.
Um...
But when I say she was pregnant, she was, like, pregnant.
Like, she was pregnant with twins
and then-- And--
Like, those twins, they were both pregnant with triplets.
[laughs nervously]
[woman clears throat, then Carter clears throat]
[voices chattering]
[feedback screeching]
[gunfire]
[explosion]
Eagle Six, this is Joker.
Requesting air cover. I need laughs now.
[gunfire]
[panting]
[Carter] Is this on?
[feedback screeching]
[panting]
[crowd booing]
[screeching]
[heartbeat thudding]
[breathing heavily]
[feedback screeching]
[feedback stops]
[man] Thank you for your service. Now, get off the fucking stage.
[crowd laughing]
[Trixie Smith's "Jack, I'm Mellow" playing]
♪ I'm so high... ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
Okay, [clears throat] guys, listen up. I have some very exciting news.
-Olivia's coming back? -Oh, I hope so.
Thank God.
No, guys, we have to get used to a world without Olivia.
Olivia's coming back?
No. But we are gonna have an amazing day,
because I've arranged for some celebrity budtenders,
and they are...
What the fuck time is lunch?
[Dabby chuckles]
I'm excited as hell, man.
-I've always wanted to be in sales. -Yes.
And I've always wanted to have a workplace romance.
Oh, yeah.
Like any movie starring the always-enchanting Renelle Zagwagger.
[Dabby speaking indistinctly]
How's that gonna happen? You guys are already a couple.
Nope. In fact, we're meeting cute right now.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, this is my first day here. I'm a little lost.
Oh, this store can be confusing. Hi.
Steve Dankerson.
-Oh. -Senior VP of regional sales.
"Debbie," is it?
[chuckles] It's Dabby.
[Dank chuckling]
I just moved to the big city from Farmtown.
Ah.
Oh-oh. [chuckles] I gotta get back to work,
Old Man Feldman's giving me the stink-eye.
Old man?
I'm younger than you.
Anyway, uh, see you around, Dabby.
Oh, gosh, I sure hope so. Gee whiz.
How'd he get to be Senior VP?
Stay the fuck out of my office.
And with this hit from the solid gold bong,
I thee welcome thee to my own team.
Wow, [chuckles]
Uh, thank thee.
FYI, it's not really solid gold. It was a gift from Rick Dees
when he hosted the '80s dance show, Solid Gold.
-Wow, it gets really hot. -Yes.
-Yes, it is very, very impractical. -[chuckles]
Well, I am happy to be here.
I just feel bad about how I left it with Travis.
Oh, sure. Travis, yeah.
Travis was your friend and you liked him for some reason. [chuckles]
But you're a thoroughbred
and he's a baby.
And a baby can't ride a horse.
[Angelo chuckles]
-I guess that's true. -It's more than true.
It's actually California state law. Monkeys can ride horses, but not babies.
[Angelo chuckles]
Anyway, Olivia, our work starts today.
We are promoting the future of our brand.
We are planting tiny shit acorns
that will someday grow into mighty shit oaks.
The point is, I have a lot of ideas and I cannot wait to--
[chuckles] Delightful. I have scored an interview
with the one and only Sabine Dortmunder.
-Oh, Sabine. I know her. -Well,
I knew her first and better.
In fact, I have prepared a video presentation of her work.
Behold!
[both yell]
[BioWave] Well, would you look at me.
I'm free as a bird.
Check it out.
Michael Jackson.
♪ Hee-hee ♪
Now I'm a Roomba.
"Oh, there's a wall.
Oh, there's a wall."
[BioWave laughs]
Dumb-ass.
You're really good with those wheels.
[BioWave] I was practicing my moves while you were wasting time with those...
humans.
They're my co-workers.
[BioWave] I'm your only co-worker, Pete.
Everyone else is in the way.
Look at me now, I'm Optimus Prime, transforming into a truck.
[BioWave making mechanical sounds]
I don't get that one.
[BioWave] Michael Jackson.
♪ Mama-say, mama-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa ♪
[knock on door]
Hello, Ruth.
Well, where you been?
I've missed you.
Yes, I missed you, too.
Ruth, I'm, uh...
Can we...?
Can we talk?
Oh, fuck.
I've had a great time these couple of weeks.
Oh, fuck.
I just think maybe this got a little out of hand.
I don't know.
It's not what I'm looking for.
Wow.
Okay, sure.
Um, I'm sorry, and, uh...
thanks.
I'm glad I know how to smoke pot now.
Uh...
Take care.
[door closes]
[in posh accent] Hello, friends.
Are you riddled with anxiety?
Do you suffer from insomnia?
Are you uncool?
Because you seem very uncool.
Well, rejoice. I bring you a cure-all for the many maladies
that befall the modern man and woman.
Dr. Dankerson's Revivifying Wellness Tincture.
Derived from the miracle plant, cannabis sativa, as cultivated
in exotic lands as far away as Oregon.
Just one drop of this wonder sauce will allay your seizures,
allergies and demonic fits.
And get you as high as the proverbial fuck.
But don't take my word for it. I need a volunteer. Anyone?
Anyone at all. Oh, you, way in the back, step right up.
Hello.
Now, how are you feeling this morning, young woman?
Tired, anxious and I have no libido.
Pity.
Now, allow me to administer the precise dose
of my tincture through the orifice of your choice.
Hm. I'll go oral.
They always do.
-You shall feel the effects momentarily. -Ah.
Oh, my vigor is renewed and my womanhood is in bloom.
[chuckles] Another satisfied customer.
[Travis] Dank?
Dabby?
What are you guys doing?
Egad, the authorities.
Amscray. Amscray.
[Dabby grunting]
Hi, I'm Sabine Dortmunder,
and welcome to High on Cannabis.
-Wait, I thought it was Eye on Cannabis. -Is it?
That doesn't sound right. [chuckles]
Hey, I knew a guy named I-on once.
He was cool.
It's a blessing to be on your show.
Angelo DeStevens.
Let's talk about your new deal with Olivia Shitballs here.
That's not my actual last name.
So, what?
You married somebody named Shitballs?
Sabine, let me tell you about this woman.
She is a powerful, empowered, empoweringly power-packed woman
who does not take orders from anyone.
-[chuckles] Okay, go. -Yes.
The Olivia's brand is going way beyond Shitballs.
From mucus to urine to vomit,
if I can secrete it, you're gonna eat it.
That's amazing.
Uh, hey, whatever happened to that guy Travis?
Um...
Let me field this one, girlfriend. Travis, uh, is a very bright young man
who I think is going to go very, very far
in the other direction.
We had a strange night one time.
He's got baby ankles.
Anyway, thanks for joining us.
-This is Sabine Dort-- -Sabine,
I would like to point out that we have a whole new line
of Olivia's bodily secretions, as well as a proprietary new vape pen
that we are calling Olivia's Fart Pipe.
Hold the phone.
You just used my show to plug your products?
Uh, that is not cool, guy.
I'm a journalist.
I have a degree from journalism.
This is over.
[theme music playing]
Join me tomorrow when Matt Damon talks about his new movie,
Boston Dad, co-starring Ben Affleck.
Hey, baby.
Hey. What's up?
Well, I'm a co-star in the Dank and Dabby rom-com.
Dabby's fighting her attraction for Dank
because she doesn't want to affect her career.
But she didn't move to the city from Farmtown to give up this easy.
You should come watch.
It's kind of a chick flick, but it's pretty funny.
I don't know. Nothing seems funny to me now.
Really?
Not even...
The Tickle Monster?!
[yelling]
Seriously?
[clears throat] Sorry.
You know, every comic bombs.
You just have to keep trying.
Know who taught me that?
-The Tickle Monster! [laughs] -Okay, all right, okay.
Come on, come on.
Look, I know you're right, but...
the way I'm feeling, I don't think I'll get on that stage again.
Maybe something will snap you out of it.
I swear to God, if you say The Tickle Monster, we done.
Wait until you see the view from up here.
Oh.
It's breathtaking.
Yes.
Sometimes I come up here and get lost in my thoughts.
And throw pennies at bums.
I'm not sure we should be here, Mr. Dankerson.
Please, call me Dank.
Mr. Dankerson is...
-my penis. -[Dabby gasps]
I gotta say, I'm rooting for those two.
You listen here, bad guy.
I'm walking this nice old lady to her retirement community, so back off.
Let's go.
Excuse me. What?
What did you just say?
Hey! You wanna rape someone, why don't you try raping someone your own size?
Oh, it looks like you may have dropped your passport.
[yelling]
-Hey, Douglas. -Hey.
Pete. I don't know how much of that last scenario you just caught,
but I just saved that old woman. [chuckles]
Run along now, Mrs. Miller.
That's amazing.
Uh...
I, uh... I--
I know we haven't spoken in a while, uh, but...
I have a problem and you're the only one I can talk to.
[grunts]
Can you repeat that last part?
You are the only one I can talk to.
Everyone in the dispensary will think I'm crazy.
'Cause they're all hopped up on the shrub.
Can we crisscross applesauce?
[exhales sharply]
I thought I would never hear those words again.
What's up?
So, I bought this machine and it's taking over my life.
Is it a Fitbit? I'm obsessed with mine.
-I gotta get my 10K a day. -No, no, no. It's a BioWave.
It's a harmonic subsonic wave generator.
Is that like a shower radio?
-I don't know what that is. -It's self-explanatory from the name.
It's a radio you hang in the shower.
-How? With suction--? -Suction, sure.
Or you can hang it from the showerhead.
-But doesn't it break when it gets wet? -No, that's the whole idea.
That's why it's a shower radio.
You can have a regular radio in the bathroom,
but it's not the same thing.
Oh.
-Well, you know, BioWave's not like that. -Well...
Helps me grow pot.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
You just crisscross-applesauced me to talk about pot?
Pete, come on.
For the last time,
marijuana is evil. If I could, I would wipe it out forever.
-But I really need your help. -Pete.
What part of this part of the wall don't you understand?
[BioWave] Initiate threat level assessment.
Pete.
For the last time, marijuana is evil.
-If I could, I would wipe it out forever. -But, I--
[beeping]
[BioWave laughing]
[classical music playing]
Hey. What's the latest between you and Dank?
Mm. I told him that we can't be together
because I'm listening to my head over my heart.
No, Dabby, you can't give up on love.
Oh. Jesus, Jenny, cool it.
We're just fucking around, you big old freak. [laughs]
Hey, where's Dank? We got customers who wanna meet him.
Oh, sorry, Old Man Feldman,
but I think he's gone.
Forever.
["Up Where We Belong" playing]
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ Where the eagles cry ♪
♪ On a mountain high ♪
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ Far from the world below ♪
♪ Up where the clear winds blow ♪
Guys, could I get, like, five consecutive minutes of you working?
What do you say, Ms. Shapiro?
You had me at "fuck."
Goddamn, these things always get me.
[BioWave] Pete, if I'm quiet the next minute or two,
it's because I'm running a software update.
Nothing mischievous about it.
[cell phone ringing]
[clears throat]
Intensity Plus Fight School.
[fax answer tone screeching]
The hell?
Why is a fax machine calling me? That's annoying.
Why is my battery down to ten percent? I just charged this. That is annoying.
[bell dings]
[chuckles] Hot Pocket time.
Mm-hm.
Oh! Ow! Way hotter than usual.
Ah!
[BioWave] Say it.
Say it.
Ah, this is really annoying.
[BioWave] Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff right there. Whoo-hoo!
Yeah. Suck it, bitch.
I love what you were saying about female empowerment.
Yes, I was saying the right things, absolutely.
So, [sighs] this morning, I had a pretty tough convo
with the marketing people about you.
You know what? Forget it.
No, what?
No, I'm just very upset, you know?
I'm just upset because your weight is your business.
-Excuse me? -Hm?
Well, you know how the marketing people are. They use code words
like "bloated" and "corn-fed" and "husky."
Husky?
I will cut a bitch who calls me husky.
Hey, [chuckles] it's not me. You know.
Marketing people are the ones saying you shouldn't finish that doughnut.
How do the marketing people know I'm eating it?
That's what I said. You sound just like me.
Will you get your fucking brother-in-law to fix the goddamn TV?!
Hey, Carter. What's up?
-The hell are you doing? -My Fitbit's broken
and this is the only way to count my steps. So annoying.
Ah! How is it even hotter?
That is so annoying.
[tires squealing, then horn honks]
Yeah, yeah. I see you, I see you.
[crowd applauding]
Hey, hey. How's it going tonight?
Right. Uh...
Well, I'm Carter.
And, uh, I work as a security guard in a pot dispensary.
-[man] Ooh! -Yeah, that's right. Pot, yeah. Uh...
And I-- Okay, I gotta tell you, you know, I like working for stoners.
[chuckles] They don't even know I'm gone.
[crowd laughing]
All right. [chuckles]
I mean, I'm on duty right now.
[crowd and Carter laughing]
All right.
Let me tell you about this backwards-walking asshole I just saw.
[laughs]
[doorbell rings]
Hi.
I want an explanation.
Come in.
-Do you wanna sit? -No, I don't wanna sit.
How the hell do you just stroll into my office
and drop a bomb like,
"This isn't what I'm looking for"?
You're not looking for fun?
You're not looking to be with somebody?
Not right now. No.
Why did you ever start with me?
I suppose I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry. I never thought we'd get as close as we did.
Jesus.
I thought at our age, we were done with these bullshit games.
Look, we don't have a future. I don't know what else to tell you.
You can tell me why I wasted my time with you.
You can tell me why you let me fall for you.
[exhales]
[sobbing] I'm dying, Ruth.
Cancer.
Six months. Tops.
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm way up in the sky ♪
♪ The world seems light And I'm so right ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine ♪
♪ And play my solid sender ♪
♪ I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on bender ♪
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm sailin' in the sky ♪
♪ I got my roach around I can't come down ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪