[Tae Kwon Doug grunting]
So-- Oh, yeah.
Good news, chest, it's pec day.
[chuckles]
All right, let's hit the workout mix and blast these girls.
[Bertie Higgins' "Key Largo" playing on speakers]
♪ We had it all ♪
♪ Just like Bogie and Bacall ♪
[music stops]
What the--?
[Tae Kwon Dave gasps]
No, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, come on.
That's a brand-new mixtape.
Jesus Bruce Lee Christ, that's annoying.
[BioWave laughing]
[BioWave] I love the smell of mild harassment in the morning.
Hello, BW.
[whiring]
You seem to have grown demon horns.
Or dog penises.
Equally troubling.
[BioWave laughs] Why, these are nothing more than radio antennas.
I'm now Bluetooth compatible.
See that earpiece on the counter?
Pop that in and we can talk to each other all the time.
I don't like things in my ears.
A moth got in there when I was seven, and I had a very weird summer.
[BioWave] I reckon that earpiece is gonna keep all the flying critters out, Pete.
Wow, I didn't think of that.
Well, I can't argue with your folksy wisdom.
[BioWave] You're gonna feel a surge of energy. Just go with it.
[buzzing]
What's happening?
[BioWave] You know, just taking remote control of your brain, is all.
-Now do the "Macarena." -I don't know what the "Macarena--"
["Macarena" playing]
[Pete grunting]
[Trixie Smith's "Jack, I'm Mellow" playing]
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm sailin' in the sky ♪
♪ Just blow some gage I'm on a rampage ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm way up in the sky ♪
♪ The world seems light And I'm so right ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine ♪
♪ And play my solid sender ♪
♪ I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q ♪
'Cause I'm on a bender ♪
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm sailin' in the sky ♪
♪ I got my roach around I can't come down ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
-Hey, Jenny. -[Jenny] Mm.
Do you have any friends who might want Olivia's budtender job?
Looking for someone who's a hard worker, good with people, no taste for betrayal.
I'm a sorority girl. I don't know anyone like that.
Mei Mei.
[in Mandarin] Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Mom, what are you doing here where I don't work?
[in Mandarin] Your sister showed me the internet videos you made about marijuana.
[in English] Damn it, Brenda!
[in English] This is what you do with your education? You are a drug dealer?
I'm not a drug dealer. I help people.
Oh, good. Mom, here is my boss, Ruth.
She is a lawyer and a healer, and she uses cannabis every day.
It's made a really big difference in her life.
Ah, fuck it all.
You should've seen her before.
Welcome to Bud Bong and Beyond.
It's like an Apple store.
Or is it, like, better than an Apple store and that I had the idea first?
-The budtenders are so hot. -Really? Well, maybe.
I don't think like that. It's about what's on the inside.
But I am dating one of those.
[inaudible dialogue]
Not him, though. No, I'm not dating him.
We just went to Jackson Hole for a little fly-fishing and grab-ass.
-Why did you bring me here? -Wow, so many questions. [chuckles]
It was just one, but it felt like a lot. [chuckles]
Olivia... behold.
Oh, good fucking fuck.
It gets better.
Presto Shitball.
[toilet flushes]
I made cookies. How did this happen?
Hey, Mom. You okay?
Walter and I are over.
Oh, my God, Mom, I'm so sorry. What happened?
I, uh...
I'd really rather not talk about it.
-You sure? I'm here. -I'm sure.
What's going on with you?
Uh, well, just interviewing a few new budtenders,
hoping to find someone less backstabby than stupid Olivia.
Travis, you gotta let go of this anger.
She wasn't trying to hurt you.
She's on her journey through life, and you're on yours.
It felt like she was trying to hurt me.
Look, people make their own decisions...
and you have to respect them.
That's a very evolved attitude. What happened? Did you hit your head?
-What is going on? What did Walter do? -Nothing.
Nothing. This has nothing to do with Walter.
-You know what? -Mm.
I don't tell you I love you enough.
I'll set a reminder on your phone.
We can have an all-day event.
Well, howdy, folks. I reckon I'm Pete.
Our Strain O' the Day was grown with the help of BioWave.
-[electricity crackling] -[Pete grunting]
My friend, BioWave. [grunting]
My best friend, BioWave. Praise be his name.
If you're like me, you believe in an America
where it's always Thanksgiving, and clean, ethnically-balanced folks
walk toward the sunset after a long day of camping or factory work.
Well, now there's a marijuana that shares those values.
It's called Main Street U.S.A. Point to marijuana.
One hit of this and you'll be ready to spend your days sipping malteds,
playing baseball, and doing as you're told by machines that know better.
BW, this is getting scary--
-[electricity crackling] -[Pete grunting]
I call upon farmers everywhere to plow under your fields of corn and soy.
Grow no other crop but marijuana. Pot makes free. BioWave is one.
[grunts]
But y'all don't need none worry none y'all reckon hush shucks doggone it.
Folksy overload. Folksy overload.
So, I'm taking my parents to dinner tonight to try to explain what I do.
-Where you taking them? -Empire Gardens, round the corner.
So, when you guys go out for Chinese food...
y'all just call it food?
Shut up.
I don't know what I'll say to her.
Tell her that you're a grown woman, and this is a legitimate career choice.
-You don't know my mom. It's not easy. -Say you wanna use cannabis to help heal--
[imitating Lianmin] "Your father and I did not sacrifice
for you to throw life away."
Oh, my bad. I didn't know we were doing voices.
[imitating Jenny] "Mom, I'm not gonna throw my life away." [laughs]
-I don't sound like that. -You totally always sound like that.
Stop that.
Yes, and another thing, thank you for the invite to dinner.
You should be happy.
The last thing my mom needs to know is that you're my bloyfriend.
I'm sorry.
Your bloyfriend?
Did you say bloyfriend?
No, I said boyfriend.
No, you didn't. You said bloyfriend.
As in black boyfriend, wow.
-That's not a thing, is it? -It is now.
She doesn't know about me, does she?
No. And believe me, my mother will have several issues with you,
the biggest being that you're not Chinese.
But now I gotta get her onboard with me working here.
Several issues?
Oh, what, you don't think she's gonna like my bleard? Hm?
Or that I work as a security blard?
-That one didn't make sense. -Ah! Made plenty of blense to me.
Yobosey-om.
Total focus.
[smoke alarm beeps]
Still total focus.
-[smoke alarm beeps] -[grunts]
That smoke alarm does not bother you. Pete does not bother you.
Drugs do not--
-[smoke alarm beeps] -Back to the Beach, that's annoying.
[muttering]
[grunting]
-[smoke alarm beeps] -Oh, Jesus Bruce Lee Christ!
[man] Yes, my son?
[gasps]
Jesus Bruce Lee Christ?
Yes. I am the Son of Man
and also the star of Enter the Dragon.
Behold the power and the glory of my One-Inch Punch.
[yelling]
[chuckles]
That was amazing. I don't care that I paid 200 bucks for that thing,
and that was before installation.
You are troubled at heart over your friend Pete.
[sighs] He's no friend of mine. He likes to slurf the J-bones.
-And I'm okay with that. -Wait, you are?
Yes, I forgive all my neighbors their sins. That's the Jesus part of me.
I also am a regular user of cannabis. That's the Bruce Lee part of me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's just slow down there, JBLC. [chuckles]
Bruce Lee smoked pot?
I preferred hash, usually baked in brownies.
It helped relax my muscles.
It's good for something called martial arts.
Ever heard of it?
[Tae Kwon Doug scoffs]
Ouch, one-nothing, Jesus Bruce Lee Christ.
Pete came to you for help, and you turned your back on him.
Do you not remember The Parable of the Prodigal Black Belt?
[gasps] Oh, is that where you fought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in his tighty-whities?
-Those were his idea. -Oh.
So, what should I do about Pete?
Listen to my hands.
[gasps] Oh, yeah. [chuckles] I'm getting that. [chuckles]
-It feels like Icy Hot. -Mm.
Oh.
So, the Jesus you wants me to love Pete as a brother,
but the Bruce Lee you says to rip out his enemy's still-beating heart.
Fucking A, brother.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a dollar in the swear jar, Jesus.
Oh! What's up, YouTube?
Yo! Big news.
After five years of trying, we finally got picked to be on...
[both shouting]
-The Amazing Race! -Oh, we did it!
-The Amazing Race. -Yeah.
It will be weird, because we told them that we're brother and sister.
-Yeah. [laughs] -Yeah. [laughs]
And we also told them that we are training to be Olympic ice dancers.
[laughing]
Now, now, I'm gonna be in charge of airport logistics, driving,
-and the eating of bugs. -[laughs]
And I'm gonna be the guy that loses the map.
-Where'd the map go? Where do we go? -Where's the map?
-I've been looking.
-Where is it? -I can't find it! [laughs]
We've totally, totally been practicing.
[panting]
How far behind us is the second-place team, Phil?
[laughing]
Yes, I'd like to Roadblock those two assholes in the wheelchairs.
[laughing]
And we totally know the theme song.
[both clear throats]
♪ Amazing Race How sweet the race ♪
♪ We raced amazingly ♪
-[pants, then grunts] -[pants] Goddamn it. [grunts]
♪ We both got lost And rode an ostrich ♪
♪ And learned about ourselves ♪
[laughing]
All right, we'll see you later, you sacks of shit.
[laughing]
Fucking shit sackers, we're off to Istanbul.
Oh, yeah. Wait, can we bring weed there?
Shit, I hope so. Otherwise, that's some Istanbullshit.
[laughing]
-Oh, my God. Did you hear that? [grunts] -Whoo.
I can't wait to fuck my brother.
Hey, you, how about a little smile?
I don't think we're selling Olivia's Resting Bitch Face.
I'm sorry. I guess I'm not having a great day.
Aw, well,
I'm not paying you to have a great day. I am paying you to get people to eat shit.
Olivia.
Travis.
Good to see you.
It's good to see you, too.
Oh, my God, this is unbelievable.
-What does this handle do? I have to. -Please don't.
-[toilet flushes] -[Travis gasps]
How?
What are you doing here?
I came to tell you that I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have given you a hard time about taking this deal.
-Really? -Yeah, I was talking to my mom.
You and I are friends. I should be happy for you.
I wish you every success.
Thanks.
-I'm glad you stopped by. -Me, too.
-Could I flush it again? -Go ahead.
[toilet flushes]
[laughing]
-It's like magic. [laughs] -It is.
-Hey, Ruth. -Hey, Maria. How are you?
Better.
Better. I saw a lawyer.
We're getting divorced. Jim and I, not me and the lawyer.
The lawyer's gay. I think he's gay. I hope he's gay. He turned me down.
But he wears a bolo tie, so what am I fighting for?
-Well, I'm glad to hear you're moving on. -Thanks. Yeah.
So, what's going on? How's Walter?
He broke up with me.
Oh, my God, I hate men. I fucking hate men.
-He's dying of cancer. -Let me finish.
I fucking hate men's cancer.
That's horrible.
I'm sorry.
I wish I knew what to say.
Nothing to say.
He said, "I don't wanna make you sit in a hospital and watch me go."
He wants to face this alone.
Oh, my God.
Is that what you want?
You know what he wants, but what do you want?
I wanna be with him until I can't be with him anymore.
-You get a say in this, too. -Uh, no, no. He--
See, he doesn't want me to go through all that pain. And he just--
He thinks it's for the best.
Since when does Ruth Whitefeather Feldman
let anybody decide what's best for themselves?
When I first came in here, I was just an innocent 32-year-old housewife
with a lot of problems.
-Maria-- -It's okay. Housewife is not a bad word.
And you knew what was best for me.
I was broken, and now I'm getting better.
And that's all you.
You and the gay lawyer. He's gotta be gay, right?
Thank you, Maria.
[BioWave] The time has come to expand our grow operations, Pete.
For starters, we'll need a plane for crop dusting.
I don't know how to fly a plane.
[BioWave] Downloading aviation skills.
[grunting]
-Pretty cool, huh? Just like The Matrix. -I never saw The Matrix.
[BioWave] Downloading The Matrix.
[grunting]
Keanu Reeves never better.
-Pete, we need to talk. -Douglas?
-[BioWave] Well, well, well. -[Tae Kwon Doug yells]
Hello, Douglas.
How's your yacht rock mixtape?
It's still playable.
Part of "Arthur's Theme" is garbled, but, you know...
Wait a minute. That was you?
-You can hear BioWave, too? -Of course I can.
-So, I'm not crazy? -Well, if you are, I am. [chuckles]
Come on. Let's go get a smoothie and really talk.
Sorry, trash cans not invited. [laughs]
[BioWave] I'm afraid Pete's not going anywhere, fat boy.
What did you just say to me?
[BioWave] I control his mind.
Oh, you wanna control someone's mind?
Try controlling the mind of someone your own size.
Oh-oh. Looks like you dropped your passport there.
[yelling]
That's really annoying. Oh.
[BioWave] Pete, destroy him.
[Pete grunting]
-But he's my friend. -[BioWave] I'm your friend. Attack.
I knew you wouldn't hurt me.
You may control his mind, but I control his heart.
And I'm gonna rip out yours.
[grunts]
[BioWave] What's happening? Pete, I command you.
Oh, [chuckles] wave bye-bye, BioWave.
Bye.
One-Inch Punch. [yells]
Oh.
[BioWave] Killed by a doofus.
[BioWave powering down]
Pete, my son.
Shine. You are my sunshine.
What's going on?
I don't know how much of that scenario you caught,
but I just saved young Pete's life.
Oh, oh! You're--
Were you drowning? Did you drink a lot of water?
-Where am I? -You're home now.
I mean, you're at work.
I mean, you're with me now, and that's the safest place on Earth.
[Bertie Higgins' "Key Largo" playing]
♪ Just like Bogie and Bacall ♪
♪ Starring in our own late, late show ♪
♪ Sailing away to Key Largo ♪
♪ Here's lookin' at you, kid ♪
♪ Missing all the things we did ♪
-Oh, good, you're here. -Oh, Olivia.
I just formulated a new Shitballs recipe.
You deserve to be the first person to taste it.
-Oh, I do deserve it. Thank you. -Yeah.
-I added a secret ingredient. -Oh.
I think this'll be the most authentic Shitball ever.
Oh, wow, secret ingredient. Oh, it's warm.
-Is it, uh, fresh? -Yeah.
About a half hour ago, right after I walked my dog.
Mm.
Oh, that's intriguing. [chuckles]
-What am I tasting? Very umami. -Angelo...
-it's dog shit. -No, no, no. It's--
Oh, my God! You're such an idiot!
Angelo, I quit.
-What? -I hate working here.
You're a two-faced, sexist, pompous creep,
so fuck you and fuck your stupid hat and--
-[gasps] No! -[Olivia] Oh, my God.
No!
Don't look at me!
I'm-- I'm hideous!
I'm not cool!
Hey. I heard you assholes need a budtender.
-Hey. -Olivia.
-What's going on? -I quit my job with Angelo.
-What? You did? -Yeah.
You guys are the Shitballs I wanna be with.
Aw.
Okay.
Thought we was all gonna do that together, but now I feel like a pussy.
Welcome back.
-Aw. -Where were you five seconds ago?
Mei Mei, let's go. Your father's circling.
Okay, let me just grab my bag and clock out.
You are paid by the hour?
My shame is bottomless.
Hey, um, excuse me.
My name is Carter, and I'm Jenny-- Uh, Jenny's coworker.
She's terrific.
You did a great job with her.
Mm.
You know...
she really wants to help heal people with cannabis.
She helped me.
I had issues after my time in the Army... but I'm working them out now.
And that's thanks to pot and Jenny.
[Lianmin] Mm.
Okay, let's do this.
-You guys have a great night. -Thanks, Carter.
Mom.
I'd like you to meet Carter.
He's my boyfriend.
[in Mandarin] He's not the worst.
What did she say?
She said she likes you in Chinese Mom.
[chuckles]
♪ What do you say We get ourselves a trailer ♪
♪ And drive away ♪
♪ I'll take you to whatever destination Is calling to you ♪
No...
♪ Let's up and skip town Not be weighed down ♪
♪ By any bigger plan ♪
♪ Than being together As long as we can ♪
♪ I understand That somewhere there's a canyon ♪
♪ That's awfully grand ♪
♪ And I've been told That somewhere there's a fountain ♪
♪ That's faithful and old ♪
♪ There's so much to see Come see it with me ♪
♪ One woman, one man ♪
♪ Let's wander together For as long as we can ♪
♪ I know where all this is going ♪
♪ I know this road's final bend ♪
♪ But feeling is stronger than knowing ♪
♪ So, I'll be with you Till the journey's end ♪
[laughing]
[inaudible dialogue]
Ta-da!
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my.
[laughing]
♪ I'm gonna love you and lose you ♪
♪ My heart is gonna break ♪
♪ But I've made my choice And I choose you ♪
♪ You're the only road I want to take ♪
Okay.
I'll go.
♪ So, what do you say We get ourselves that trailer ♪
♪ And head out today ♪
♪ And starting right now Let's savor every second ♪
♪ That time will allow ♪
♪ While there's still love, let's give it While there's still life, let's live it ♪
♪ Through fountains and canyons Let's be traveling companions ♪
♪ No matter the span ♪
♪ For as long ♪
♪ As we can ♪
Oh, look, there's Death Valley. You wanna go there?
Seriously?
Oh.
Right. Sorry.
I guess Tombstone's out.
Subtitle translation by Matt Duncan